So last Thursday, on American Idol, Kelly Clarkson went on and judged with the other judges and the very last thing she did on the episode was perform a very emotion, vulnerable and touching song. The song talks about something that is like an elephant in the room. Nobody really talks about it, its a touchy subject for a lot of people.
The song is about how Kelly’s father left her and her family when she was a child. But now as she is grown up and having her own children, she will never leave her children like he left her. How her husband has picked up her broken heart pieces and showed her what a father is suppose to do their kids, how “a man can be kind and a father can stay.” The song is called Piece By Piece ( click the title to hear the song on Youtube ).
Hearing this song and looking at the lyrics, makes me think of my own situation. To this day, it still tears me up knowing that one of the people who created me, didn’t want me. Though I have a very caring and loving father, it’s the fact that the person who I am a part of, who is part of my biological family, doesn’t want me. Doesn’t love me, ignores me, makes me doubt myself, makes me feel worthless.
It makes me think of the other kids, especially the young ladies, who don’t ever have that father figure or won’t ever have it because of one thing or another. Whether it’s because their mom doesn’t find a husband, they don’t trust men anymore, or they just block out anyone. I think of how important it is for a young lady to have that father figure. To feel loved, protected, and always supported. I know that just by knowing that my biological father didn’t want me, it altered my opinion on men in general and altered my opinion on God and how He is a Father to me.
It altered my opinion on men because I didn’t trust them. Men would leave and I couldn’t trust them to stay and be there. Though I had a father figure that stayed, as a little girl I didn’t see him as a father, I thought of him as a friend and partner in crime. Though he disciplined me and taught me things, I just didn’t see him as a father, I saw him more like a older brother. And it altered my opinion on how God is a Father to me because like I said, my dad now disciplined me and did all the dad things, I just never saw him as that dad. And everyone described God the Father as something different then what I saw. It was different yet the same. They are both very loving, but in different ways, caring in different ways.
When getting to the age where I understood my situation, I began seeking answers that I probably, deep down, didn’t want to know the answers. But I sought them out and with the personality that I have, I wanted a relationship with the person who didn’t want me. So dealing with the heartache, the reality of that was the worse. People talking about it and then convincing myself that he didn’t want me, the reality of that he doesn’t want me, makes me cling to my dad now and to the Heavenly Father. Praying for him, praying for my dad now to have God show him how much I love him, and praying to my future husband to be the kind of father to not leave.
That is the worst fear for not only me, but all the ladies out there. To marry a man, have a child with that man, and he just up and leaves. I pray with Kelly’s song everyday. “I will never leave her like you left me”, “she will never have to wonder her worth”, “he’ll never walk away”, “he’ll love her”, I pray “Lord, I pray that my future husband will never leave my child/children, that he will never leave and make them think they are worthless, that he’ll always love them, that he’ll be great”. That’s what every child needs.
I’m definitely not saying that I do not have a great father, because I do have a tremendous father. You can read all about him in my blog from a couple weeks ago call To The One Who Chose Me ( click the title to go to that blog ). He’s pretty amazing. But the way my story has played out has made me more aware of how men treat their children, and how I want my future husband to treat his children.
I hope and pray that anyone who has daddy issues will read this or many of the other blogs that are about this song and about how they are worth it no matter what, believes that they are worth it! I pray that you can forgive your earthly father, and I know how extremely hard that is. I pray that you know that you aren’t alone, that even the biggest superstars have daddy issues. I also pray that you realize that your earthly father is human and will mess up, and that you can ALWAYS rely on your Heavenly Father for comfort, love, tenderness, etc. That God the Father is the father you have been searching for! It even says it in the Lord’s Prayer “OUR FATHER…” He is the Father that you desire and long for, trust in that!
You are so loved! You are good enough! You are the best you, you can be! You are worth it! Believe it! God Bless!