Lately it’s been such a struggle. Coming to grips with some things, people lying and betraying me in such a way that I don’t trust them anymore. People who I had trusted with my deepest struggle and I had trusted for years, the trust was broken and I fell and fell hard. These past two weeks were very eye opening for me. Seeing what motivates me and what I look forward to each day or week. Seeing how stressed, overwhelmed and tired I really was. Realizing that I can’t always be there and help others, that I need to take better care of myself. I needed to push away the pride, the fear, and be humble and ask for help.
While being overwhelmed with emotions and the day-to-day activities I was told to drop everything except work, and rest and work on just me. Realizing that meant to not be at Middle School Youth Group, I resented it to the point of tears. And a lot of tears. But after I processed everything I realized that I can’t lead people if I can’t lead myself. If I’m not making good and right decisions how can I help others make the right decisions?
While feeling this anxiety and overwhelming feeling, I was in the car driving, most likely driving to the church to journal and talk with God about the past couple weeks, when I heard a song on the FISH Radio Station. A local Christian Radio Station that plays all the great worship songs. I had never heard it so I was trying to concentrate on the lyrics but also trying to concentrate on the road. “Breathe, just breathe/Come and rest at my feet/And be, just be/Chaos calls but all you really need/Is to just breathe.” Was this God’s way of telling me to just be still and breathe? To not worry about what was happening in the next couple days? To stop worrying and stressing over things I can’t control and just be?
Later in the song it says, “Is to take it in fill your lungs/The peace of God that overcomes/Just breathe/So let your weary spirit rest/Lay down what’s good and find what’s best/Just breathe.” Is all I really need to do is let God take this thing that is worrying me, and breathe? When talking about it, it sounds like no big deal, piece of cake. But when you actually put your words into action, you actually realize it’s so hard. Maybe you trust God, or you are like me and there are days when you trust Him more than others. When you are doing great and life seems to be going smoothly, you trust Him. But then when you are thinking negatively and things are crumbling down all at once, it’s not so easy to trust Him anymore.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I have a really hard time trusting people and then expressing how I feel. I’d rather keep it all bundled inside and have no one know. I keep being told that, though God knows how you feel and everything, you should tell Him. I had a really had time doing that. So I started journaling about it, I would start out by saying “Dear God, Today I am feeling ________ ( fill in the blank ).” And whatever I had said, whether that be angry, happy, emotional, stressed, etc., I would explain it. “I feel angry because _______ ( fill in the blank )” It’s actually really helped with 1) getting out those emotions and 2) realizing what is making me feel the way I do and actually expressing why I feel that way. Instead of hoarding it in.
I’ve heard a lot recently and actually realized is that you can’t help anyone if you aren’t okay and you don’t help yourself. I’ve realized that you can’t give your 100% if you don’t feel 100% and take care of yourself. And you and only you know how you feel and know what you need, so it’s up to you to say “Hey I need a break” or “Hey I need some personal time”. It’s hard but it’s something that I think everyone at some point in their life says. I’ve also realized that I have friends. And I have friends who care, care enough to say “Hayley you need to take care of yourself. Now go to work and go take some rest for a couple weeks.” Though at the time it didn’t feel like they cared, I see it. They see things that I can’t see. They see how I behave, they see my body language, they see the things I can’t.
So now, back to the song. What was God telling me? I think He was trying to tell me all the things I said before. The Divine Mercy photo, with Jesus and the blood and water coming out of His heart, I’ve been drawn to it, and the phrase “Jesus, I trust in You” and maybe that’s another thing God is telling me. To breathe, trust in Him, don’t worry, and just be. “Be still and know that I am God. I am exalted among the nations, I am exalted in the earth!” -Psalm 46:10.
My prayer for you this week is that you just simply love Jesus. Love Jesus by going to Mass, by spending time with Him in prayer whether that’s at your home, at your church or in some park. Spend time with Him in Adoration. Go on that date with Him. Recently at work, one of my coworkers asked what I was doing that night and I said I have a date. Little did she know that it was with the One who loves me no matter what. It was with the One who created me. You are loved! You are good enough! You are wonderfully made! You are the BEST you, you could possibly be! Keep being awesome!! God Bless!