I wish you were here

It’s been almost a half of a year since you left grandpa and I tell ya it’s probably been one of the hardest 3 months. You not being here for your first Great Granddaughters birth, not being able to call you on Thanksgiving, not being able to hear how warm it is in Florida on Christmas, ringing in the New Year without you, and probably the hardest; starting college without you.

When I decided to apply, the only person I wanted to talk to was you. I wanted to call and say “Grandpa! I applied” I would call other family members to try and numb the pain, but at night I would sob saying I wish I could talk to you. When I got accepted I did the same thing, I called everyone but you to numb the pain. It didn’t work. I did the same thing when I registered for classes and when I started college January 9th.

It’s funny how we talk something as simple as calling a family member for granted. I guess it is true, you never know what you have until you don’t have it anymore. Even now, finishing my first week of college, the only person I want to talk to is you. To tell you about each class, to tell you that when I went in for my second math class, about 20 minutes into the class my math teacher said “ alright well we are done for the day so you can go” and I had to wait almost 50 minutes for my next class to start. I know you are proud of me but I just wanna hear your voice telling me that I’m doing a good job and that you’re proud.
In a way your passing as opened my eyes. Me realizing that life is terribly short and you never know when your number will be pulled and it could be unexpected, like yours. But it also has me paranoid. Thinking about everyone, that this could be the last birthday we sing to them or call them. That next Christmas I may never see Nunnie or Grammy. It terrifies me knowing that it could happen, yet trying to be positive about it.It’s hard thinking about it but it’s especially hard to have panic attacks over it.

I keep going over the last time we saw each other. I didn’t even hug you goodbye. I remember being in the Ripken building while people were printing off pictures and we were waiting. You decided it had been a long day and wanted to go back to your camper for a cigarette and to go back to the camp site to rest. You left saying goodbye and that you loved us. But I should have hugged you, I should have realized that we never know when we are going to pass and that we should live each day like it’s our last.
So why didn’t I hug you? Why didn’t I go see you for your birthday like I was suppose to? Why did I listen to my mom and not come visit you in the hospital like she told me to? I had the oppurtunity to see you but I chose to listen to my mom and not. I regret not coming to see you and talking to you before you left. Telling you I love you and that I don’t want you to go.

I know God has a plan in everything but I have so much regret and you’re the only one I wanna talk to about college. You always asked but never pushed me to go. You always let it be my choice, but you showed you still cared if I went or not. I just wish you were still here.

 

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