I wish I could have loved you better.

Late at night is when my anxiety kicks in full swing, especially about you, grandpa. I think about what I could have done differently. I actually could have done a lot of things differently and regret it often. I think about what went through your head before you passed. What went through the minds of your doctors, your children, your lifelong friend.

You were never a HUGE part of my life. Except for the last 2 years of your life. You came and visited at our house more often. The June before you passed, you came to our house for a week and then traveled with us to Tennessee for a week. When you were at our house for the week, I didn’t think of anything but myself and went out with friends. If I would have known that your time was coming, I would have spent more time outside of your camper with you, just talking.

While in Tennessee, I suggested to the family that we do something family-friendly that wasn’t baseball. I suggested the Wax Museum and while everyone was not thrilled to go ( though everyone thoroughly enjoyed it ) you and grammy didn’t go. If I knew your time was coming, I wouldn’t have suggested it and just stayed in the condo room with you, maybe taken a walk with you by the lake, to an ice cream shop down the street.

Your birthday was August 7th and we were all suppose to go to Virginia to celebrate with you and I thought it was better if I stayed and worked instead of saw you. I knew you had been in the hospital only 2ish weeks early. If I would have known you was gonna pass 2 weeks and 2 days later, I would have went and sat with you. Ate birthday cake with you, eaten strawberries with you, sat outside with you while he smoked.

When you went back into the hospital, if I would have known you was gonna pass 3 days later, I would have not listened to my parents and would have went and held your hand so you knew I loved you though I only thought of myself wanting to hang out with friends, wanting to do something, anything other than baseball, wanting to work instead of see you.

I wish I could have loved you better. I wish I could show you how much I love you better than I did. But what I have learned from all of this is that none of that would have changed you leaving. You would’ve passed even if I did stay home with you and just talked, even if we didn’t go to the museum, even if I would have came for your birthday and the second time you went into the hospital, you would’ve passed. I couldn’t change it and neither could anyone or anything else. I can’t change it. And that’s been the hardest part of all.





Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: